What I Can Control (and What I Can’t): Why It Matters for Mental Health - A Primer on Personal Boundaries

A small, cozy house (representing your inner self, self-talk, and beliefs) . Distant, indistinct ships (other people's actions and opinions). Abstract, non-threatening clouds or weather patterns far away on the horizon (external circumstances, the past). Gentle, unperturbed waves that merely lap at the shores of the island, never engulfing it.

Author's Note: If you're anything like me, you've probably spent way too much mental energy planning what to say to a person, rethinking a weird facial expression you made in a conversation with a friend, or trying to decode the tone of someone’s “ok” in a message. Welcome to the human condition , where we constantly try to manage things that were never ours to hold in the first place.

That’s why we made this little visual reminder via Instagram post (starring our anxious mascot dumpling, of course): to highlight the difference between what’s actually in your control .... and what is not.

The Mental Weight of Trying to Control the Uncontrollable

When we try to control what other people think of us, how they treat us, or how they behave… we end up drained. It’s not just frustrating — it’s neurologically exhausting. The constant effort of managing variables outside of your influence keeps the stress response activated, fuels anxiety, and worsens rumination.

This isn’t just a vibes-based opinion — it’s backed by research.

In a 2021 study published in Behavior Therapy, people with higher internal locus of control (i.e., belief in their ability to influence outcomes through their own actions) had significantly lower anxiety and depressive symptoms compared to those with an external locus of control — who felt helpless or dependent on others’ approval and behaviors.

And a 2014 meta-analysis in Journal of Health Psychology found that interventions that increase perceived control (even just reframing thoughts around it) had measurable improvements in both mood and health behaviors.

In short? Focusing on what you can control isn’t toxic positivity. It’s a therapeutic intervention.

Here's What You Can Control:

• How you speak to yourself

• The personal boundaries you set

• Your own expectations and goals

• How you respond to other people’s behavior

• Your beliefs and values

Even if it feels small, this stuff adds up. These are the bricks that build emotional resilience, clarity, and agency.

And What You Can’t:

• Other people’s mood, reactions, or opinions

• The choices others make with their lives

• How your past shaped someone else’s version of you

• Whether your best effort is appreciated

Trying to control those things? That’s a fast track to burnout.

The Power of Letting Go (Strategically)

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means choosing where to place your limited time, energy, and attention. You’re not abandoning care — you’re redirecting it.

So next time your brain tries to micromanage someone else’s perception of you, maybe pause and ask:

“Is this mine to carry?”

If not, set it down. Let our beloved Trevor the Trauma Dumpling hold your coffee instead.